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Subsidised Health™ Satire

Your Health. Your Gift Card.

Government Health Gift Card

Balance

$43.90

Item 23 · Level B — Standard Window™

Issued: 2014

Active
The Fine Print™ Rev. 2014–present
  1. 1.

    Gift Card value is determined solely by the issuer and is not subject to independent review or market adjustment.

  2. 2.

    The issuer reserves the right to freeze Gift Card balances for periods of up to six (6) years without notice or compensation.

  3. 3.

    Gift Card does not guarantee continuity of provider. Care fragmentation is a feature, not a bug.

  4. 4.

    Provider compensation reflects the issuer’s assessment of service value, not the provider’s training, expertise, or operational costs.

  5. 5.

    Unpaid per-patient work (documentation, authority calls, referral coordination, results review) is considered a complimentary value-add by the provider.

  6. 6.

    The Gift Card recognises the visit. It does not recognise the relationship, the complexity, or the 3am phone call.

  7. 7.

    By presenting your Gift Card, you acknowledge that the gap between the Scheduled Rate and the actual cost of care is not the system’s problem.

By continuing to exist within the healthcare system, you have agreed to all of the above.

“Your Gift Card recognises the visit. It does not recognise the relationship.”
See why Try the Simulator

How It Works™

Three simple steps. One inevitable outcome.

1

Get unwell

2

Present your Gift Card

Value set by the Government. There is no independent review.

3

Pay the rest

If there is a rest. There usually is.

Transparent Pricing™

What your Gift Card is actually worth. In dollars.

Item · Level Label Duration Schedule Fee CPI-Indexed Fee Typical Market Fee Your Gap
Item 3 · Level A Quick Visit™ Under 6 min $20.05 $22.68* $40.00 $19.95
Item 23 · Level B Standard Window™ 6–20 min $43.90 $48.57* $85.00 $41.10
Item 36 · Level C Extended Window™ 20–40 min $84.90 $94.07* $155.00 $70.10
Item 44 · Level D Deep Dive™ 40–60 min $124.90 $138.49* $230.00 $105.10
Item 123 · Level E Full Diagnostic™ 60+ min $202.65 $224.73* $350.00 $147.35

* if indexed to CPI since 2014

“Your electricity tariff: independent regulator. Your minimum wage: independent commission. Your Gift Card balance: the issuer. There is no independent pricing authority.”

The Gift Card balance was frozen 2014–2020. It has since been adjusted, but not to CPI-indexed levels.

Consultation Configurator™

Build Your Consultation

Your Consultation

1

Billing Mode

Full Acceptance (Bulk Billed)
Patient pays $0. Top-Up Voucher™ and Participation Loyalty Bonus™ auto-applied.

Your Consultation Window™

13:00 per issue

THE RECEIPT™

Thank you for your Participation™

Your Provider Options™

Same system. Two very different experiences.

Continuity

Your Regular GP

Knows your history, coordinates care, manages chronic conditions. May charge a gap to remain viable.

Setting: Private practice

Integrated

Practice Nurse

Works alongside your GP. Preventive care, wound management, chronic disease checks.

Setting: Same practice

Supervised

GP Registrar

Training under your GP’s supervision. Fresh eyes, supervised care, bulk billed.

Setting: Same practice

Coordinated

Allied Health

Physio, psychology, dietetics. Referred by your GP, coordinated.

Setting: Referred provider

Care Journey Simulator™

Navigate the system. See what it costs.